How I Get Out of My Pajamas
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I stared out the window for several minutes before I knew how to start. I needed to get the thoughts out of me and onto the paper. But the blank page taunted me that if I wrote down and wrestled through the thoughts and emotions I was trying to hold inside, I would have to feel what I didn’t want to feel.
I was able to start when I realized I needed to write down some affirmations.
Here’s the thing about affirmations. I’m not a big fan of trying to push our shadow selves away. Sometimes we have to clean out the ick before we can make room for the beauty. But now I know that I need to affirm myself, too, because it trains my brain in a way my 45 years in religion didn’t. Before, I looked outside myself for the affirmation. I looked for it in the Scriptures and from other Christians. Often, I didn’t find it. Before you @me that the Bible is full of affirmation, (read the Psalms!) may I also say, it is full of condemnation. For someone like me, who believed she fell short of God’s standards all the time, reading verses like, “But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people,” (Psalm 22:6) added to my despair. The entire Psalm is full of self-degradation and the writer’s goal is to find hope in something outside of himself. I needed to know I was fine, accepted, and full of light, no matter what.
Also, I need affirmations to feel personal. I know we don’t always believe affirmations at first, but I at least need one that doesn’t feel so generic. “I am loved” doesn’t do it for me. “I am enthusiastic and freedom-loving” does. THAT kind of affirmation helps me want to get out of my pajamas.
So after I stopped staring out the window, I started to get rid of some of the ick. I cleaned out my interior closet first. I put the following in a trash bag.
“I hate my body today.”
“I’m so angry about the havoc COVID-19 has had on our culture. How will we ever recover?”
“The tremors of self-doubt because of their criticism want to take me out.”
And then I began.
“I am outgoing and expressive.” (Translation: I am capable of making friends. I am not alone. Self-doubt will not win.)
“I am intelligent, communicative, and light-hearted.” (Translation: I don’t overeat when I’m light-hearted.)
“I am wise, expansive, and adventurous.” (Translation: Covid-19 despair will not win. I will find a way through.)
Here are some affirmations that might ring true for you:
“I am resourceful, productive, and stable.
I am witty, curious, and clever.
I give and receive emotional warmth and security.
I creatively express myself and am appreciated.
I am analytical, discriminate, and capable.
I create beauty, balance, and harmony.
I transform and heal.
I am organized, patient, and successful.
I am innovative and original.
I am imaginative, idealistic, and compassionate.”
NOW I could write the unsent letter, even though I knew the tears might fall. NOW I could explore the deeper meaning behind that dream and see if my subconscious wanted to show me something. NOW I could begin to let go.
Friends, The Body Keeps the Score. The last few weeks have left me feeling like I’ve had the flu. I’ve been triggered. My body recognizes the trauma that has lived in my cells almost all my life and is screaming, “MAYDAY”. I had to fight for my mental health this week, and even with a tremendous amount of self-care, I am in a fibromyalgia flare-up. Everything hurts. But in the past, I just pushed through, did all the things anyway, and snuck some vodka shots on the side. All that did was postpone the pain, and everything that I was pushing under the rug got bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. Eventually, we can no longer hide our shit. Now, I listen to my body more than ever. My body is currently telling me I’ve been retraumatized. I need time to recover. The more I put it off, the worse it will get.
I know I need to ask the hard questions. “How do I better protect myself from this happening again?” “What is the lesson I still haven’t learned?” “What other support do I need?”
But until I can tackle some of these deeper questions on the page…
“I am innovative, inspiring, and courageous.”
What affirmation do you need to own today? Feel free to comment here, on Facebook, or in my Instagram DMs. Which of the above affirmations feels the most personal to you?