I Guess I'm Not as Emotional As I Thought
/
It's not a coincidence that writing resistance and some significant family events are happening simultaneously. The question I have is what to do about it.
It's a question I have had for years. How do I write a memoir…the book, on social media, in blog posts…while going through things, too? Even though I'm 52 and a self-reflective person, I still have a lot to learn about what's actually going on inside of me when my emotional life gets wobbly. It takes a lot of attention for me to continue to eat right, for example, and not sabotage what my body needs, so my emotions don't spin out of control more. I need to walk, journal, sleep well, and stare out the window a lot. It takes a lot of time. I don't know what to bring to the public because I'm working to find my center, and my extroverted self ends up taking a back seat.
There's something I find really fascinating that I've learned about myself in the last year. I am not as emotional as I thought. Yes, my emotions over the decades have been loud, intense, even destructive. My feelings have screamed at myself and others to pay attention. But that doesn't mean I know what's actually going on with me. It means my emotions refuse to take a back seat. I have tried to subdue them with religion, alcohol, and giving others more attention than myself. But they refuse to be ignored. It takes a lot more work than I realized to figure out what the hell is actually going on. Lately, I've been telling myself, "Jenny, you have a lot more masculine energy than you thought. You need to lean into the feminine"
When I say masculine and feminine, I mean the archetypes. I came into this world with lady bits, but my natural expression is to plow through life. I threw temper tantrums often as a child. I went into adulthood with visions and plans, and I would do what it takes to see them materialize. I got impatient with people who didn't know the idea that I could see. If they dragged their feet, I got mad. (Hi Todd, I love you.). I want to get things done, tell you about them, and see you do what I know needs to happen. C'mon people, get in line!
This morning I picked up the journal I was writing in 20 years ago. It surprised me to read words about things I struggled with then that are still true today. But I don't think it's because I haven't learned and grown. I think it's because it's all part of what I'm meant to work out in this lifetime.
When I read pages from twenty years ago, I see a woman trying so hard. I was committed to being an incredible mom, wife, and homemaker (oh, and don't forget female church member), plus have a side gig. I believed that if I just made money, I would be respected, equal to my spouse, and (whisper) better than other women. But earning this money had to fit in with mothering, homemaking, and church leadership, three roles I took very seriously. For me, to relax into being "just," anything… didn't happen. I always tried to do more, be more, strive more.
Today, the goals are about my online presence. Post an Instagram story every day and blog every week, Jenny. Build that audience. So many others have done it, and so can you. You need a following, so you have someone to sell the book to. Clubhouse is a wide-open field. It's not crowded like Instagram, nor a dumpster fire like Facebook. This is your chance, Jenny. Go for it!
Notice there's no energy in the above paragraph about actually writing the book.
Once again, I find myself trying to do too much. I mean, how do I hold a day job, take care of my health, nurture my marriage, build an online presence, and write the book? I keep telling myself to just let go of this drive to create something, but I can never shake it.
But in the last several weeks, I had a family member break up with me and passed an anniversary of a trauma. I had to let go of my daughter in a new way and watch her fly away. That's a lot of processing. It's not something I can just put on my goal list and cross off.
Again, the writing resistance is strong. But I'm back here, at least, after 2 and a half weeks instead of waiting one year. One thing that's also true about me is that I pick myself up repeatedly and again. So I'm here, swimming through the deep end and looking for the surface. Instagram stories are a bit sporadic right now, and I'm staying off Clubhouse this week to reassess. Time to leave for the day job. I'll see you soon. ❤️