Is It Okay That I’m Chronically Exhausted?

Today I am facing 13 hours away from home. It involves punching a clock, three outfit changes, and participating in an event where I was responsible for the details. It involves a social event when it's all over without alcohol lubrication. All of these things do connect to my daily goals. But the problem is I can’t do it all at once anymore. The length of my day, the weight of responsibility I feel, and how long I know it will take me to recover adds up to too much for me now.

I keep telling myself I'll get through it. That rest waits for me on the other side. But still, I have dreaded today for weeks. I feel tightness in my chest. I'm on the verge of tears. I want to shovel carb after carb into my mouth. And the bottom line? I am angry. Facing today reminds my body and emotions of how my life used to be all the time, and I can't bear, even for a day, to return to it.

I have heard myself say out loud recently, "I think I need to rest for the next 30 years to make up for the last thirty."

For decades, I had days like this several times a week. I gave myself little downtime. When my children were well past the neediness stage, I still had to force myself to shut my bedroom door and tell them not to bother me for 15 minutes. I don't blame them for this; I was the one constantly scanning all the needs of the life I'd built. I was the one who couldn't leave alone the demands I put on myself.

People tell you, "No is a complete sentence." But how do you say no when you think you have to be Super Christian, Super Mom, Super Homeschooler, Super American Hot Woman, and Super Friend?

One of the biggest problems in American Evangelicalism is that women are exhausted, and they don't even know it. This is a generalization, I know. But when you pair idealism with the Evangelical culture, burnout is almost inevitable. We often don't play. We are taught and expected to practice what is called servanthood. We need to serve our children, husbands, neighbors, and the church we attend. We're also supposed to be open to whatever God throws into our life. God wants events at our churches, you know. We need to host Vacation Bible School, High Teas, and Clothing Exchanges (yuck to all of the above) so we can invite our non-churched friends and get them inside our walls.

We light this cocktail of burnout with Christian bookstores full of "How-tos" that teach us to surpass our humanity for a holier and Biblically-based life. Whole ministries (businesses) are built on Biblical themes that teach Christians how to be better. Sometimes they help. But more often, they put expectations on us that keep us striving for very high and tight standards. I think of Dave Ramsey (finances), Joyce Meyer ("Empower your emotions with Biblical principles and rise above them!"), and ministries - I rarely felt ministered to, BTW - like the Proverbs 31 Woman. Throw in homeschooling conferences and (male) pastors bragging about their hot wives, and it's no wonder many of us finally turn to drink, divorce, or despair.

Day after day, I would wake up - if I slept - and try and figure out how to coordinate all the details it would take to pull off everything I thought I had to do. I had to coordinate four people's lives, education, and all the expectations I believed our communities were putting on me. I was not an educator who made sure my children filled out their workbook pages. I was a holistic educator. My children needed their mental, physical, emotional, social, and spiritual natures nurtured with the richest of resources I could provide. I needed to make this happen with a beautiful house and healthy food - things I wanted but take a buttload of time and energy. I needed to do this with others (see above - rich resources) who also held these high standards. When another mom wanted our co-op kids to build a life-size chess set, I went home and cried. I wish now I had given myself enough permission to tell her no or laugh out loud.

One time at our homeschooling co-op - a time for the moms and their kids to gather together for mom-led classes, I heard a mom say, "I'm bad with socks. I can't get the Nevada County dirt out of my family's socks. Socks are my fail." Wait. What? I am hanging out with people whose standards are high for socks? I better hide my epic failures. I can’t confide in anyone about falling asleep out of utter exhaustion at 11 am when they’re beating themselves up about dirt stains!

Why did I put so much pressure on myself? I'm still untangling it. But now, when I feel that pressure start to creep in, I get really panicky. It's the last week of school. I need to wrap up my job as an admin with all the end of the year activities and responsibilities reaching a crescendo. I can feel boundaries blurring and all the emotional effort it is taking me to hold in my intense feelings that are being triggered. I am practicing speeches inside my head about how to communicate what I need. I've gotten better at this, but I am still afraid of showing taboo emotions. I worry about my anger and exhaustion coming out inappropriately. I'm scared if I open my mouth, all this will tumble out.

My reality now is that it doesn't take much for me to start to unravel. Learning how to navigate this is still really hard when I feel real or imagined pressure. It is time to shower and do my best. My best is WAY less than what I used to think it had to look like. I have to stand in the fear that if I fail - from socks to public, hot, and angry tears - I will not be rejected and fall apart.

It's getting better. The recovery time is shorter. I know how to check in with myself and take things step-by-step. But I also think I have to accept I just can't do it anymore, even for one day. Now how to communicate it to others. This entry helps.