Why It's Been a Hot Minute
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Hello Friends.
I have 10 Things to Tell You. But first, here's my one qualification and ask from you as my reader. Please know that everything below came after I swam underwater first, holding my breath all the way to the other side before bursting through the surface. In other words, nothing below is the whole picture. So all I would ask is that you don't judge it as such. Every coin has two sides.
Guys, I preach, "Release the Story." My blog is where I try to practice what I preach. Remember, this is not about word vomit. This is about letting go of what we try to hide - from others, from ourselves - so we can live free and authentic lives.
Where have you been, Jenny? In the simplest terms? Working at a school. It's been a loooong six weeks. But I only have two left. More on that below.
How are you feeling, Jenny? Do you mean physically? Friends, I was doing so well! Somehow with the stress of the last six weeks, I ate less, not more. Part of it is I wasn't bored. I eat more when I'm bored. But some days, I had trouble eating at all. This rarely happens to me! I pushed to meet with a trainer, just for quick half-hour weight training sessions. But the budget ran out. The boredom is back after being laser-focused the last six weeks. Well, maybe not boredom. But the sadness is. I can always tell when I'm brushing my teeth at night. That's where I know I'm trying to stuff down too much emotion. Brushing my teeth is my two minutes where I somehow stop enough to notice the press in my throat. If I feel like I want to cry when I'm brushing my teeth, I know that's a sign I gotta give my feelings a way to be released. What's your tell?
So what have you been doing for beauty? I know how healing that is for you. Guys, my flower share has been choking in our smoke. I can't get them to stay alive for a week. And I know the farm's had trouble on their end. I've been more bummed about my flowers these days than inspired. So I used this service and decorated my bedroom for the first time ever! At first, I wasn't going to show you the bed. Keep it sacred and all that. But what the hell? I've been sleeping on box springs on the ground for years and never made the bed. So I wanted to show it off. #beautybeforetruth
How's it going with your relatives, Sweetie? If I were to have this blog behind a paywall, I would tell you all the things. I've thought about using Patreon or Substack for this. But I will share this today. Do you know how they say everyone carries a wound whether they know it or not? Well, this is mine. I spent decades trying to be the one that kept the estrangement away. It didn't work. I wish I could give you facts as illustrations to help you see the whole movie. But I will share this. In both my husband's and my maternal lines, there are generations not talking to each other, like for months, years, decades. I tried sooo hard to be the perfect daughter and mother, so this didn't happen, and it didn't work. I live with this loneliness because it is always with me. Please don't forget this about me. And what others around you might be living with every day. #compassionbeforetruth
So what are you celebrating right now? Friends, I have a few surrogate daughters, and they bring me so much joy. My son is getting married next summer, and in the last few weeks, I've gotten to play with the decorations and colors with my daughter-in-law. I started calling her that because they've been together for seven years, and once they were engaged, well, why pretend? It's been so much fun. Last Sunday, I found myself with her and her two sisters comparing bouquets and bridesmaid dresses. I was so thankful to be a part of their interaction while the bride gets to plan a celebration she's waited a looong time for. While I ache for my own daughter and no one can replace her, I can sink into moments like this and be thankful. I invited another surrogate daughter to fly in for Thanksgiving. It'll be the sixth holiday season without the daughter of my womb. I’ve had to learn to release myself into what I do have.
But how's that "Sinner in the Hands of an Angry God" mentality going? I had a community fall apart suddenly and shockingly since I wrote to you last. Again, I would fill this out behind a paywall about why I was in boundary boot camp and then fell into a Mean Girls movie for a couple of weeks. It still takes so much energy after a black-n-white life where I felt in the black for the biggest and smallest of things. I still have to face the demon, who tells me I majorly fucked up. "I do not have to do this perfectly to be okay. I do not have to do this perfectly to be okay." I handled it more healthily than ever before, but it still took so much out of me. And as I start to relax again, my body is pissed at me for what I put it through. Today I hurt from neck to toe. But I am SO less hard on myself than I used to be, which means I will recover faster.
And what are you watching right now, you pop culture expert? So unless you follow my Instagram stories, you might not know about my latest obsession. As in, "Maybe I should add this show to my YouTube channel!" Guys, I adore Dawson's Creek! I've been watching it on Netflix. It is so well written! I only watch one episode a night while I color. Still, except for the first six episodes where they made a unfortunate storyline choice, I find it brilliant. The teenagers speak wisdom. It's like how the teenage years could have been if we'd known how to handle the drama like a healthy family. My high school self relates the most to Jen Lindley, played by Michelle Williams, which is super fun. Dawson and Pacey remind me of my sons, and Jo, the female protagonist, is acted so well by young Katie Holmes. Maybe this will be my TikTok shtick - I'll let you know.
Did you say only two more weeks unpacking school supplies? I did. I wish I wasn't. I liked my job. I liked being a part of a team and getting to support homeschoolers, a culture I understand. I had hoped I had found a gig I could stay at for years that was meaningful but not too stressful. Where I could contribute some to Todd's and my retirement. But it didn't work out. And it's a bummer. But it means I'm heading back to substituting. I'll get paid more, have more flexibility, and feel needed. Feeling needed = feeling loved in my world, which isn't always healthy. But to know I can make a difference really matters to me, too. Feel free to hold my feet to the fire, though. It is KEY that I don't just relish how much I'm needed and say yes to whatever comes my way. It needs to go both ways - right for me and maybe for them. I'm still not good at saying, "Hold up. Is teaching three weeks of science to middle schoolers really want you want to do?" "But they NEED me!" No, Jenny. They just need. Only you need you. You are irreplaceable to YOU. To your husband and loved ones. That's it.
So Jenny. Why don't you just surrender to being a kept woman and write? Yes, it's true. Todd has always provided for us very well. I don't have to work. But trying to build something on my own…online, in a small-town bookstore, etc., was too lonely. I feel scared when I think about trying again. Owning my own business was great. But it's not something I want to return to. I always give whatever gig I find myself in my A-game, and so far, it feels under-appreciated. Slow and steady does win the race, but I am more a rabbit by nature in a world of rabbits and turtles. There’s gotta be enough room for both. Ideally, I substitute and have energy left over. I think I want to take the Outlander content I've already created and turn it into a book. Kinda like this one. I keep thinking if I tell you guys I'm going to write and publish a book, I will. I've been saying it for far too long. The Outlander fandom will buy anything, and it will give me the experience I need.
And did I hear you're headed to the PNW again? Yes! We leave in a month. I'm SO excited. We are starting in South Lake Tahoe so we can have dinner with the 23yo. We'll be able to hear all about his graduation present to himself - three European countries in 12 days all paid for and planned by him. I am so stinking proud. And holding my breath. #Delta. If this trip has to change, my heart will break for him. He deserves this and has worked so hard for it. All that to say, after a night in South Lake Tahoe, we're headed north, seeing Crater Lake for the first time, etc. Then four nights in Camas, WA, before heading back and staying overnight in Ashland, OR. In my 2022 car! Guys, I have watched so many peers get to do things like this, and now it's my turn. I'm sure someday I will follow my son's example, too.
I continue to play life on all the octaves of the piano. The thing about being in my 50s is telling myself, "Jenny, you are most likely not going to change in these areas." and accepting it. But, of course, I head back to middle C sooner these days, so that's good.
I am so grateful for my consistent 50 readers. You. Many of you have stuck with me for decades. I love you. And I hope you also find the journey of self-awareness a journey of freedom. A place to give yourself permission to be you.
Happy fall! Let it rain.