My Year in Review: 2021 Part One
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1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?
I told myself over and over, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” and was able to believe it. Twenty twenty-one was the year I learned how to face others who treated me harshly behind my back or to my face.
In February, a close family member stopped talking to me. Again. This time I let myself look deep into my therapist’s eyes when she said, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Believe me, when I say, I still see how I could have done things a bit better. Forty-five years in Evangelical Christianity means I will always have an overactive conscience in my cells. But I have been cut off by this family member over and over and over again. I have crawled back in repentance and taken soooo many steps to meet her halfway. But it’s never worked long term. This time, instead of weeping over the rejection, I was able to say, “I don’t think we’re coming back from this one, and I will be okay. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
In August, I fell into a Mean Girls movie in what felt like a moment, and I said, “Oh, Hell No. I’m out.” I didn’t grieve over it. I just dusted myself off and told myself, “If everything I did well and good wasn’t enough, I would never be able to please them. I don’t want to live worrying about the slightest misstep.” I did think they were going to be good friends, though, and that was a bummer.
I was more open about my beliefs changing from evangelical Christianity this year. Oh, the blowback. Wow. I was told I serve The Enemy now. Sometimes they expressed their rage at my choices, and other times they just quietly left. But I have to continue to come out of the closet.
I have never been able to say to myself before, “I like you, Jenny, even if they don’t anymore. You did well. They lose more by not seeing what you give. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
2. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?
An ability to indeed be The Raw Jaw. I got scared. Again. I got feedback that really stung or made me feel misunderstood. But writing here and behind the scenes is TRULY the work I have to do. I can’t not write...publicly and privately. AND it’s supposed to be about my inner life. I know this in my cells. So I HAVE to keep showing up. It is so fucking hard. At the end of the day, my health - mentally and physically - really suffers when I don’t Release the Story in all the ways.
5. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Early July: The San Juan Islands in WA and I had a passionate love affair. Oh, Eastsound, when will I return? The Island and I (forgive the expression) made love over gourmet breakfasts, white clapboard buildings by the sea, and reminders of what I want to do for my life’s work. I create beauty that provides others with joy, healing, and refreshment like Orcas Island did for me. I’ve done it in schools, the bookstore, and for my children. This is what Todd and I still want. It’s what we always circle back to. This is the trip that reminded us. Orcas Island, I will never forget you.
Late July: “Hey! Wanna go on a road trip tomorrow to one of your favorite places to help me buy a house?” she asked. “Yes!” I responded, not one who usually likes to be spontaneous in that way. But, my friend and I bonded over that trip in an even more profound way. I got to go to WA twice in one month! I’m meant to live there!!
October and November were life-changing months.
October 1: It started with, “Buh-Bye job! I gave you my best. But, unfortunately, it wasn’t good enough for you. I am no longer a glutton for punishment.”
October 7: I returned to a friend’s home that I hadn’t been to for 10 years. It was a home where I experienced the warmth of joy, healing, and refreshment like I haven’t anywhere else in my life. Oh, how I had missed it. And then I was invited back two days later just because someone wanted to spend time with me even more. Once again, I was reminded that hospitality is my heartbeat.
Fall Break: Hey! Let’s go to WA uh-GAIN! Todd, I want to show you where our friends moved to. Let’s look at houses and neighborhoods where we might want to live! Let’s rent a place within walking distance to downtown Camas and really consider it as our place. Uh-oh. Jenny’s intuition is saying, “This isn’t it.” Dammit! It is supposed to be it!
November 6: I walked into our forever home during an Open House. It WASN’T in WA. It was up the road about 10 miles. Who knew. I guess we aren’t meant to leave CA or even our county. Oh, friends. How do I get to live here? Others told us what we were looking for didn’t exist. But I found it. I looked online at 100s of houses all over the West Coast. I am not exaggerating. But it does exist. Two beautiful acres within walking distance to town with two private homes. A beautiful home for Jenny. A long-term rental for Todd (HA! We do live in the same house. The rental for Todd means...his heart has always been to invest in real estate that provides housing for others.)
There’s enough room to host family members over the decades, starting with our son’s rehearsal dinner this summer. My new job is as the property manager. Being a homemaker truly is the most satisfying work I have ever done. I used to tell myself, “I want to be the Lady of the Manor instead of the maid of the manor.” When Downton Abbey was in its heyday, I couldn’t even watch it because it was when I was definitely the maid. But now I can delegate. Now I have money to work with to create and maintain a haven - for myself and others. How is this my life? It will be hard. Life is. But right now, my daily routine fills me up like being at school doesn’t. Letting go made room for the fulfillment of an actual dream, a dream I thought I’d shattered five years ago. This year, I said it in our hard copy Christmas card: Sometimes Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again*.
*Did you realize? It never says Humpty-Dumpty was an egg. Good thing. “Eggs are disgusting!” Toddler Jenny has never changed her mind.